dumb nicknames and giant wastes of time

i have never understood nicknames. i think it's because i have a short name anyway, and the shortening of it doesn't make any sense to me - amie to ames? sure, you don't have to expand your mouth for the "eeee" sound, but how busy is your life that you can't spare the breath? anywho.

guys have the dopiest nicknames for each other and, inexplicably, the vocabulary of a freshman sorority girl. i have heard my husband, on many occasions, say "alright, dude. lates." to his friends to end a call.

lates.

that's a single replacement reaction (shout out, chem lab!) where you've swapped a sensical consonant for one that gives the word a red squiggly line. and if the internet has taught me anything, it's that without microsoft word corrections the world is full of terrible spellers.

other minor irritants include "cray cray" for crazy, "totes" for totally and "jelly" for jealous. since we're already on the fast track to completely slaughtering the english language, i'd like to put as many speedbumps into the process as possible. so STOP IT. just.stop.

it's a weak segue, but speaking of the internet, let's talk about how it prevents me from getting anything accomplished. i want to be productive. but the allure of patterns and laughing dogs and captioned cats and human failure is too magnetic.

i feel like i can't even finish a sentence without finding a link that grabs my atten